From the moment we step into high school to the day we cross the stage, our lives at MVHS revolve around the future. Whether it’s about the colleges we’re accepted to as seniors or the future careers we want to pursue, we’re guided by everything we feel we need to get to those positions. And after it’s all over, it shifts into everything we didn’t do. Whether it’s after we’ve gotten our decisions back or in the midst of building up our resume, we often hear students griping about everything more they could have done and every opportunity they’ve missed.
Nobody takes time to enjoy the process — after all, it’s difficult when our minds are trained to hyperfocus on either the past or the future. When it comes to regrets, we at MVHS tend not to reminisce on what we could have done to make ourselves happier, but what we could have done to make ourselves “better” or more “competitive,” despite the fact that it’s now completely out of our control.
Focusing too much on the past negatively impacts our mental health and wellness. According to a study conducted by psychologists at the University of Michigan and the University of California Berkeley, thinking too much about the past and future can reduce happiness and increase sadness 47% of the time. They also observed that people are happiest when they have intimate conversations with people they care about or when they exercise — actions that require us to be present in the moment.
We need to focus on what we can control — our happiness, our next steps, the way we look at and talk to ourselves. After all, college is far from the end of the road. There will always be the next big thing to put pressure on ourselves about, whether it’s graduate school, finding a well-paying job or getting a promotion. To agonize over the future or shame ourselves for the past is ultimately unproductive, as it draws our attention away from the present. This thus prevents us from enjoying the present, fueling the same sense of regret and leaving us constantly looking back at the past and what we “could” have done. To remedy this, we should find a balance between the past, present and future, focusing on what we can and are doing instead of what we “should” have done.
Instead of fixating on our regrets from the past, we can take the time to focus more deeply on our current activities and passions. And when it comes to thinking about college decisions, rather than reverting back to mourning all the extracurriculars we should have done — joining the robotics club, participating in research, founding a nonprofit — prioritize and fixate your mindset on being proud of what you’ve already done and everything you want to try in the future.
We can’t completely pass the future by or romanticize our pasts excessively. Although shaming ourselves for everything we didn’t do is unproductive, learning from our mistakes or the opportunities we missed can teach us valuable lessons and help us center the things we want to do in the present. We can focus our energy on the present — what can we accomplish in the short term rather than agonizing over the long term? How can we be more adaptable? How can we do things that bring us joy rather than relentless anxiety?
Our uber competitive environment uniquely fosters pressure, especially in the form of comparison amongst classmates — and all of the things they’ve accomplished before us. And so, it can be especially difficult to stop comparing ourselves or regretting how empty our activities list might look next to our classmates. Even when we know we should focus on the present, it’s hard when we’re constantly surrounded by the expectations of our parents, peers and ourselves. It’s vital to give yourself grace not only when proactively shifting your attention from lamenting on the past, but also when you’re struggling to do so.
It’s time to praise ourselves: tell yourself, “I’m so glad I joined that club,” and think, “I’m so glad I went to that event.” Think about everything those activities gave to you, beyond just a boost on your resume. Maybe it’s helped you make your best friends or solidified your passion for what you want to do in the future. Now, focus on the things that you have control over and what you can change, so that when you look back at the past (right now!), you feel fulfilled by the things you did and excited about what comes ahead.
