On my first day of German Saturday School as an eighth grader, I had to pause for a good five minutes outside the classroom, questioning everything that had brought me to this point. The classroom itself was inviting enough, with an open door that was a cheery blue and encouraging quotes hung on the walls inside. What had given me pause was the group of eight-year-olds I saw occupying the rows of desks — my new classmates.
My first instinct was to be humiliated. The feeling grew as I noticed the eight-year-olds, five years younger than me, conversing nearly fluently with the teacher. Their age, their skill — it all pointed to how far behind I was. This kind of situation was a large part of why I had avoided pursuing my interest in learning languages up to that point; most people my age had already been taking classes for years, or had parents to learn from. I had neither, so being behind meant being vulnerable, living outside my comfort zone until I could catch up, if at all. I preferred to stick to my comfort zone, where I could stand at the same level as my peers — but here I was in this class, way out of my depth. Why?
It tied back to a realization I had reached over the COVID-19 pandemic. Away from the perceived judgement of others and surrounded by just family and friends, I had time to safely self-reflect, and I found that I was tired of holding myself back for fear of starting out behind everyone else.
The realization came after watching my best friend pursue her passion for volleyball, starting from scratch while our age group played in clubs and on school teams. She never shied away from the possibility of failure, and let her excitement drive her to improve, eventually joining a club and our school team. For her, though, it was never about getting to a level where she could compete with our age group; the joy volleyball brought her is what motivated her to keep going, whether she had the skill and success or not.
I wanted something that would bring me joy like that for myself. Language was what immediately came to mind. It had been a dream of mine to learn German so I could speak with my cousin in Germany, and the little I knew so far made me want to learn more. Finding strength in my friend’s experience, I decided I would try to overcome my fear of not being perfect, making sure I enjoyed and prioritized the process of learning over the result.
That is what kept me in my seat among eight-year-olds in my German class for the first day. I still felt embarrassed, but as the teacher began the lesson and I realized how much I could understand due to my previous self-studying, my embarrassment faded slowly. For the sake of learning and achieving my goals, I could look past my doubts.
This mindset carried over into other areas of my life, inspiring me to take opportunities based on if I really wanted to learn over fears of not excelling. Though I eventually had to put German on pause, I took harder math courses, opted to take Chinese and grew from every experience without regret. I didn’t know it then, but that German classroom was only the beginning; I was exactly where I needed to be, red-faced with embarrassment, surrounded by kids bragging in German about how well they could do long division.
