It’s jacked up: the deal with Apple AirPods

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It’s jacked up: the deal with Apple AirPods

Ilena Peng

Bill Gates is a very rich man today … and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.” -Dave Barry

Companies get sick of making new products. But making new versions of products never gets old. And with the newest iPhone 7, I discovered I was making a serious mistake, apparently listening to music in all the wrong ways.

It’s now apparent to me that all the time I spent searching for the right song with the right lyrics that weren’t about vulgarity, I should’ve been paying attention to my headphones.

You know the ones I’m talking about — those flimsy cords, the kind that get in knots after being stuck at the bottom of my bag for only a minute— those are old news.

Newly introduced are those wireless headphones that Apple dubs “AirPods.” Wait, but they’re not just wireless. Apple refers to them as “smart, quick-charging, great-sounding magical headphones” in its video. Either way, I’ll surely lose them in a week. Now all my pens won’t be the only things on my endless list of lost objects.

It’s not like I don’t have enough gadgets to charge. I can honestly imagine future me coming home each day: phone charger here, laptop charger here, electric car here … Oh. wait. No outlet space left for the ridiculous earbuds. Now I can’t listen to my music, unless I want my terrible music taste to annoy every single human being in my house.

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Apple announced the new features at an event on Sept. 7, 2016 in San Francisco. The phone, which was made available for purchase on Sept. 16, has some useful features and some of which are, well at the least, very questionable.

The fact that it comes in two shades of black is, to me, the best detail ever. My mainly black wardrobe appreciates Apple’s acknowledgement that I am not insane for insisting that there are multiple shades of black. My new response to why I own 10 black jackets can now be “because it’s a different black and Apple agrees with me.”

On the other hand, there are the earbuds that look like the head of an electrical toothbrush, just one of the genius comparisons that has emerged on the Internet. The headphone jack was supposedly removed to make the phone more watertight — a claim that someone on Youtube will most definitely test by dunking his or her brand new phone into a bathtub. I’m sure the other waterproof phones on the market would beg to differ that “waterproof” does not mean a brick with no holes.

Apple’s “money-sapping” seems fitting for these earbuds, too. As with all of Apple’s products, demand is high since it’s the go-to brand for all the “cool techies,” and I doubt that the iPhone 7 will be an exception.

Everyone who purchases the new phone will need new earbuds or at least an awkward looking dongle earbud adapter. Apple probably assumes people will buy the earbuds and dongle from them — and Apple is also probably right about that.

Wireless earbuds exist already. If I wanted wireless earbuds, I’d buy and use them, making my own choice to shun the tangly earbuds. But leaving people a dongle away from having no choice but to buy wireless earbuds isn’t just a progressive push towards newer technology, but a clever way to make money, which I suppose Apple needs to continue the construction of its new headquarters that’s congesting all the traffic near Vallco … wait I forgot, Vallco is a dead ghost town. Oops. Too soon?

And thus, the iPhone 7 shows that Apple knows what it’s doing, because even as people laugh at its not-subtle efforts to “revolutionize the industry,” Apple is making money. Because laughter aside, it’s undeniable that every new product Apple releases garners mostly positive media attention and a hefty amount of revenue.

So while Samsung’s Galaxy Note 7 and its exploding batteries serve as a shiny metal version of a fire starter, I’ll definitely consider the iPhone 7. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? Perhaps it’s nothing more than a thief stealing your phone without you noticing since your new fancy earbuds will continue playing music as the thief makes a getaway.