Grandpa Kurnool, where art thou?

WHAT%21%3F%21+Soumya+Kurnool+is+in+a+relationship%21+But+that%27s+only+supposed+to+happen+after+she+scrubs+the+toilet+with+a+toothbrush...+Illustration+by+Shuyi+Qi.

WHAT!?! Soumya Kurnool is in a relationship! But that's only supposed to happen after she scrubs the toilet with a toothbrush... Illustration by Shuyi Qi.

Soumya Kurnool

Relationships have never been of interest to me. On my list of priorities, I’d say they’re just below scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush. In fact some people have told me that I must be asexual due to my total lack of interest.

I find the notion mildly disturbing. Almost as disturbing as the fact that I said I was in a relationship on Facebook.

CAUTION: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. IT PRODUCES DISASTROUS, ALBEIT HILARIOUS, RESULTS.

WHAT!?! Soumya Kurnool is in a relationship! But that’s only supposed to happen after she scrubs the toilet with a toothbrush… Illustration by Shuyi Qi.

Asking like the wind

It was a typical day in sixth period Journalism when I had the brilliant idea to be in a fake relationship with someone for my column. Which was all well and good, until I realized no one wanted to be in a relationship with me for a day.

Anyhow, I decided to go “stag” in my relationship, which is a total contradiction, I know, but bear with me. After being rejected by every guy in Journalism, I really didn’t have many options left.

<3 In a Relationship

After 38 minutes of clicking random buttons on the grandma-unfriendly Facebook, I clicked the button and grimaced for five straight minutes at that heart planted between my name and “relationship.” My friends, on the other hand, could do nothing but like the post to death.

Here’s a brief timeline of the responses I got:

1. Three minutes after the post, my best friend posted, “Soumya Kurnool….” I took that as a sign that my post was working.

2. Forty-one minutes after the post, a friend said, “So….we need to have a little chitchat my friend.” I was impressed by how grandma-like the statement sounded and approved it immediately with a like.

3. One hour and ten minutes after the post, another friend, She-who-has-eighteen-cats, posted, “EXCUSE ME???”

4. This is my favorite. Around two hours later, my good friend (Lynn Zeng, I’ll call her) said the following: “My dear Soumya, this had better be with homework or a textbook or something because if not… WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING?” I must have really freaked her out because she suddenly started to swear (“hell” is a bad word, right?) in a furious chat message. As she is normally quite a reserved person, I knew I had literally caused her mind to spontaneously combust. (ULTIMATE SUCCESS!)

5. And a straggler replied the next day with my second favorite post: “WHO IS GRANDPA KURNOOL?”

Who is Grandpa Kurnool?

That question was the Achilles heel of my attempt to troll the school; five people brought up the topic, three of which immediately knew that I had done this for the column because I started cackling wildly at their questions. Shucks. The fourth stared me down during the passing period between 6th and 7th and reminded me, “We need to have a little chitchat, my friend.” I gulped nervously as I continued to Stats, where I faced the fifth.

“WHO IS HE? WHO IS HE,” she yelled.

“I can’t say,” I said, while laughing my guts out. “I’ll tell you three weeks from now.”

“What!? You’re going to be pregnant in three weeks?”

My laughter immediately stopped. I swear I could hear crickets.

“OF COURSE NOT,” I bellowed after a moment. “Wait, you’ll see.”

So, my dear friend from Stats, be assured that there will be no Grandpa Kurnool for a very long time; not only does my Physics homework trump relationships any day, but the overly smushy and gooey reactions I’ve received from this experiment have really tempted me to run away and hide in my locker on many occasions. Therefore, when and if the day comes when I decide to scrub the toilet with a toothbrush, don’t count on me going public on Facebook. Instead, count on me deactivating my account, packing my bags, and jumping on the next flight to Patagonia with my dearest Grandpa.