Dear Parents,
We understand that this topic is difficult and borderline uncomfortable, but it’s time that we have “the talk” about sex. Growing up in immigrant families, it’s a topic that we often avoid, as we are taught that sex is inappropriate and should never be discussed openly. It’s understandable — our cultures value modesty and preserving the family’s reputation. But, by not talking about sex, you might not realize that it becomes harder for us to recognize unhealthy behavior within relationships, take care of our health and understand our own bodies.
At school, we have Advisory, Biology and now a Health course where we learn about consent and sexual health. We discuss the importance of setting boundaries in order to make informed decisions, along with encouraging seeking guidance from “trusted adults.” When we go back home though, it’s a completely different ideology. Navigating the topic of sex is already confusing and vulnerable for us, but when we ask our trusted parental figures, we hear responses like, “We don’t talk about that here.” The contrast between the encouragement we are given at school to speak up about sexual topics and the silence we endure at home makes it much harder for us to ask important questions regarding relationships and health.
As a result, many of us are left to rely on other sources for clarification — the media we consume and our friends. However, whether it be an unrealistic depiction of relationships in TV shows or advice from an influencer, the information we absorb from our environment is not always accurate. This leads to further confusion and at times unsafe behaviors, as we begin to make decisions regarding sexual health without being fully informed of the consequences to our own bodies, for example, exploring niche sexual activities due to a lack of knowledge about what sex should be like. Without open conversations at home, we’re left to figure things out on our own, which can at times lead to poor decisions or attitudes about sex that may have lasting consequences on our health decisions and how we view our relationships.
One of the most significant things we learn about at school is consent, the idea that sex must be mutual and respectful of all participants. Most importantly, we are taught that if we ever feel that we are or have been in an unsafe situation, we should talk to a trusted adult. However, no matter how close we are with teachers, counselors or coaches, sex is usually not a subject both parties would feel comfortable talking about. If we can’t trust our parents for such discussions, then we really have very few people in our corner who can help support us when unsure or uncomfortable. As mentioned before, if we don’t have open conversations at home, it makes it difficult to come to you with serious issues, even when we’re in uncomfortable or unsafe situations that require trusted guidance.
In a study of Asian college students, it was found that they were much more tolerant of actions categorized as sexual harassment and were less likely to formally report being sexually harassed or assaulted. Your own child could one day also be a victim and may not seek help because of the deep-rooted sense of “honor” or “purity” instilled in them by the hostile environment towards sexuality fostered by their immigrant parents. In less severe cases, this could manifest as not flagging irregular sexual health including menstruation, where we may hesitate to take birth control to manage periods due to stigmatization around contraceptives.
Parents are a valuable support system that teens should be able to rely upon to understand their developing bodies. After all, we share genetic traits that contribute to our own sexual health, so the insight a parent can provide is uniquely crucial in how it can reflect our own experience. Without it, however, not only do we seek out information from outside resources, we end up alienated from our own bodies, scared to think about our own sexuality or notice that something is “wrong.”
Not talking about sex is doing the opposite of protecting your child. Parents should not be shielding their children from sexual topics, but rather arming them to tackle them with the proper precautions and support. Studies have shown that Asian highschoolers oftentimes do not abstain from having sexual encounters any longer or have them any less frequently as compared to white students, and in fact are less likely to report STIs, showing just how ineffective and conversely harmful avoiding the topic of sex really is.
We understand that your upbringing and experience learning about sex were likely very different from our own. In India, where many of our immigrant parents originate from, 71% of youth said that they were not taught about sex in school or by their parents. Factors such as religious taboos or a lack of genuine exposure to sexual topics likely influence the way you engage — or don’t — with your children about sex. You assume since your parents didn’t talk about it, why should you?
Test yourself on facts relating to puberty, sex and health!
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While having the “talk” might be uncomfortable, it is not the end-all-be-all of how family discussions about sex should look. Parents do not have to let go of their cultural values in order to support their child, or “overcome” their awkwardness to give a long-winded explanation about how babies are made; school already covers that. In fact, simply lending an ear without comment to your child’s questions and answering to the best of your knowledge opens a channel for your child to rely on you for support.
If sex isn’t an easy topic for you, it isn’t for your child either; to avoid dangerous misconceptions and health risks, navigating the complexities of sex together with your child allows mutual understanding and keeps how you approach it open for adaptation based on your own family’s needs.
Sincerely,
Your children
