I’ve always been extremely introverted. Talking to people has never come naturally to me and it resulted in a consistent insecurity that I didn’t know how to deal with. For most of my life, that insecurity felt like a burden because I couldn’t do “normal” things like talking to people. My lack of social skills was a curse. I would have given anything to be able to hold a conversation or interact with other people without overthinking and feeling like an awkward mess.
Throughout elementary school, I had a single friend each year. I never approached them first, and always left them to initiate the conversations. The idea of walking up to someone and striking up a conversation was terrifying because I had an irrational fear that people would judge me for every word I said. The few times I did step out of my comfort zone and talk to new people, I ended up making it awkward and left feeling embarrassed. In sixth grade, I had decided that middle school would be a fresh start. So when a girl walked up and struck up a conversation by asking how I was liking middle school so far, I blurted out that I liked her shoes in the middle of what she was saying. She had given me a confused look and ever since then, I’ve avoided speaking to anyone new.
In third grade, during a conversation with my best friend at the time, I asked her why she had chosen to become friends with me. She explained how she had felt bad for me when she’d seen me walking around alone. That brought forth the fear that none of my relationships were genuine, that they were all built off pity. It also solidified my belief that because I struggled with social anxiety and being shy, something was inherently wrong with me. Social anxiety felt like my biggest personality trait. It was such a constant controlling factor in my day to day life.
In sixth grade, the COVID-19 pandemic felt like the biggest blessing at first. If I wanted, I could isolate myself from everyone else. Yet through the months spent at home, I found that I actually wanted to talk to other people. I wanted to make new friends and form relationships, yet the only way to do that was through taking the initiative and overcoming my fears.
When in-person learning started in eighth grade, my plan to make new friends didn’t work out. I had envisioned walking in with a new personality after coming to the realization that I wanted to form close relationships with others. However, my social anxiety was at an all-time high simply because of the lack of experience from the past two years. Combined with this, my two best friends were moving to different schools and I was struggling with depression.
To make matters worse, my Spanish teacher had called my homework answer out for using Google Translate in the beginning of the year. No one in the class knew it was me, yet I felt incredibly embarrassed and hurt and afraid no one would ever want to talk to me again. I was more angry with myself than I had ever been, not only for making a mistake but for caring this much about the ordeal. It felt like a wake up call that social anxiety was controlling a huge part of my life. It was restricting me from making friends and forming relationships, and I needed to find a way to work past it.
It was then that my parents brought up the idea of starting therapy to have an outlet to vent about whatever I needed to. It turned out to be the best choice I ever made. Through my work with my therapist, I’ve found acceptance within myself. Some things would remain a permanent part of me, like my social anxiety, but rather than hating myself for it, I could learn ways to love it. Being quiet has been a blessing in disguise in some way. I’m extremely observant, empathetic and a great listener. I have the ability to sit alone with my thoughts. I can enjoy time by myself.
This isn’t to say I’m not working on it: I want to be able to strike up conversations with new people. I want to easily form friendships. I know I will never be the loudest person in the room, yet I’m trying to put myself out there more.
Learning to love myself for every aspect of my personality has been incredibly rewarding. By putting what I think of myself before what others think of me, I’ve eradicated some of the overthinking and fears that come with social anxiety. I’m less fearful of walking up to people and starting conversations because social anxiety doesn’t exert as much control over me anymore. Situations similar to that I faced in Spanish don’t feel as big as it did back then – I don’t care that much anymore. Whether others pity me because they think I don’t feel accepted isn’t the end-all and be-all because I feel accepted. By allowing myself to love who I am, it’s created the opportunity to grow beyond my comfort zone.
For the longest time, social anxiety controlled my life. Yet I’ve accepted myself for it and allowed myself to move on. It’s not a core part of my personality: it’s only a tiny aspect. And to the little girl who used to eat her lunch in the bathroom because she was scared to sit alone and of what others may think, you’ve always been loved despite your social anxiety.
