It was the end of summer break, and my brother was leaving for college, traveling over 2,400 miles away to Cleveland, Ohio. As he was about to leave, he ran back into the house and hugged me tightly, crying in my arms over the fear of leaving his family. I thought my brother going wouldn’t affect me that much, but as he tightly clasped onto me, I knew I was wrong. All my life, my brother and I were close. Despite sometimes being the real-life Tom and Jerry, we managed to have a close-knit relationship. With the closeness came his role as my biggest role model, the one person I would look up to.

When he was leaving for college, I thought nothing was going to change. We were still going to be Tom and Jerry. I thought that though we would be far, we would still be close. But the more time passed, the more stranded I felt in his absence. I missed the great adventures and the useless debates we had, but most importantly, I missed having someone who protected and comforted me at my lowest and cheered me on during the highs. 

The once lively house turned into one of silence. He wasn’t there to lecture me about physics. He wasn’t there to binge-watch Breaking Bad with me. There was something missing in everything around me, like how the dinner table missed my brother, his bedroom missing the Call of Duty posters and my car rides to school missing my biggest supporter. 

The effects of his leaving extended beyond me missing him — his leaving also left all eyes on me. For most of my life, I hid in my brother’s shadow, because most of the focus was on the oldest child in the house. But with him gone, I became the only child, and all my parents’ attention turned to me. Adapting to family dinners was the hardest because as the only one available to field my parents’ questions about my day, I had to talk a lot.  It was as if not only did I have to step into my shoes but my brother’s shoes as well. 

This pressure continued in an incident where I was stressing over a math test as I didn’t know the material well, and both of my parents were too busy to help me. I couldn’t reach out to my friends because it was 1 a.m. While trying to study as much as possible, my mind was a tangled web of confusion, which left me feeling bewildered. Besides my dad, I only knew one more person who excelled in math and that was my brother. I frantically started calling him, and when he picked up, he said, “Sorry Abha, I can’t talk right now, I am very busy,” and he hung up.

Usually, my brother was there to help me because we were together in the same house, and our schedules were mostly the same. But now that he is across the country, our time differences do not match and it makes it harder for me to ask him for advice. Now, I was left on my own to make my own decisions on how to do well on this math test. I did everything I could do, from watching YouTube tutorials to doing as many practice problems as possible to finally being somewhat ready. However, he was not there anymore, and after that experience, I knew that I must trust my own methods.

As I encountered difficulties with a problem, it felt as if I were holding a glass of water that grew heavier with each stumble. Initially, I attempted to lighten the burden by recalling my brother’s methods, but it didn’t help. However, I slowly reverted to trusting myself, and as I did, that glass became lighter. Coming out of that test, I was worried I didn’t do as well and the nervousness I had was still there, thinking my methods may not have helped due to my dependence on my brother. But a few days later, when we got our test back, I did better than I expected. I got an A! I was happy and surprised at the same time as for the first time, I was able to study for a math test individually. 

From this, I learned that though it was difficult adjusting to my brother’s absence, I was able to form my own opinions without looking through his lens and having greater independence, by being able to make my own decisions in these types of situations. 

Though I miss my brother a lot, his absence has given me the ability to step out of his shoes and fit more in my own shoes. My brother had a huge influence on the person I have become, but this past year, I have been able to develop as my own person. Not only did I become more independent, but talking to my brother on the phone as much as possible has been a treat as we now have so much more to discuss about what is going on in our lives, making our relationship much stronger. Though we have time differences, both of us have gotten better in communication and found ways to talk to each other as much as possible. With our separation, not only have we gotten closer, but we have developed our own opinions and become our own people.