Dear Halloween, 

I cannot stand you any longer and something needs to be done. For years, I struggled to resist the little bundles of aluminum wrapped diabetes waiting outside people’s doorsteps, but over the years, all of that has changed. 

As my will became stronger and my mind became sharper, I began to see you as the detrimental, commercialized piece of nonsense you really are. Let’s start with the only thing that the majority of your fans support you for 一 the candy. 

According to the Centers for Disease and Control and Prevention, 93.3 million adults struggle with obesity. This is not a problem that affects only a tiny sliver of the population, but instead threatens the health of nearly 40% of the country. Yet for some reason, you continue to dominate the headlines and store fronts throughout the month of October, forcing people to go out and buy bags on top of bags of life-span shortening candy. If they don’t, all they receive is s— for being that one family on the block who forgot to buy candy. 

You are the reason kids grow up wolfing down KitKats instead of baby carrots. You are the reason why kids think all green-colored foods taste like dirt. Young minds are one of the most malleable things on Earth, and the way you choose to influence them through manipulative advertisements is despicable. The narrative that vegetables are evil begins and ends with the cycle of lies you have fed to the public since your inception. Even after all this, some people of the moron origin have the nerve to utter you in the same breath as holidays like Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

Now, let’s get into another issue with your disgusting traditions. Are you trying to tell me that the only way kids are going to be rewarded is by dressing up as somebody else? Children seem to think that they aren’t good enough for who they are, but the only way to fill the Hershey’s sized hole in their hearts is for them to run around in blue tights and foam muscles. Little girls and boys should not grow up thinking they are not good enough to be rewarded on their own merit and must resort to tricks and gimmicks just to be recognized. Society deems it unacceptable for children to not dress up, punishing these youngsters by not handing out the one thing that makes you worthwhile — candy. 

Let’s be real, you’re as much of a holiday as the world is flat — it’s all one big myth. When I think of a holiday, I think of a day when people come together to celebrate someone or something important — something of value. With Christmas, there’s the birth of Jesus and an overall sense of family and togetherness. With New Year’s, there’s a celebration of a new beginning and committing to be better each year. With Memorial Day, we remember the men and women who lost their lives fighting for their country.

Apart from money and calories, what are you good for? Nobody remembers a fallen soldier on Oct. 31 nor does anyone give thanks to anyone or anything other than the bowl full of junk food sitting outside a lazy neighbor’s patio. You are so irrelevant as a holiday that the country doesn’t even consider giving anyone the day off to do some mind-numbing trick or treating. You provide nothing to the millions of hard working Americans, apart from money lost to bags of candy and costumes. Even for a lousy high school student like myself, I’d rather have a Staff Learning Day than your sorry self. Don’t ever consider yourself a holiday ever again. This has to stop!

In the words of the great of the great Joe Pesci, “I’m done with this guy.” 

Worst Regards, 

Kamyar Moradi