Ah, another GOP debate. Another chance to grab some popcorn, sit back and unwind to the white noise of incompetent fools debating about the issues that really matter to our nation for 3 hours, like whether or not Donald Trump actually tried to open up casinos in Florida or how successful Carly Fiorina really was during her career at Hewlett Packard. This debate was similar to everything else I’ve seen from the Republican party as of late—littered with factual inaccuracies, fearmongering, cringeworthy pandering and just fundamental stupidity. I tried watching the debate in order to become more educated about the different candidates’ views, but I just left feeling pretty uneducated in general. Base rhetoric usually has that effect on me.
I have compiled a list of the most stupid remarks that were made during the debate organized by candidate. Believe me, cutting down everything that was said to just 30 was the hardest part of this whole ordeal—and I had to watch the entire thing to write this. Disclaimer: El Estoque is not responsible for any decrease in IQ from reading this.
DONALD TRUMP (Little Donnie T.)
1. “I will say this though. Hugh was giving me name after name after name. Arab name, Arab name, Arab name. And there are few people anywhere that would know those names.” -Trump
This one made me spill my popcorn. I wanted to simultaneously laugh and cry at his blatant lack of tact. Sometimes when I listen to what he says, I get the feeling that this this old, orange man knows that what he is saying is openly racist and offensive. But then I look into his cold, dark eyes and realize once again that he is a soulless, mindless embodiment of the part of America that still views anyone of a darker hue with suspicion.
2. “Autism has become an epidemic… it has gotten out of control… you take a baby in and I’ve seen it and I’ve had my children taken care of over a 2 or 3 period of time. You take this little baby and you pump something meant for a horse rather than a child. And we have had some many instances of people working for me.. they went to have the vaccine and a week later he got a tremendous fever and now he is autistic.”-Trump
I will make an attempt to dissect this rambling and incoherent string of words that does not come anywhere close to a rational thought. The major reason diagnoses of autism have been increasing is because the criteria for autism has been expanding over the years. Additionally, as his fellow candidate, Ben Carson, mentioned just a few moments before this insanely idiotic piece of garbage, there is absolutely no legitimate basis for the link between vaccines and autism. But he doesn’t need people to tell him that. In fact, he doesn’t need anyone to remind him of what is factual and what isn’t because he does not argue on the basis of facts; he argues on the basis of what he thinks he knows. And he sure thinks he knows a great deal about medicine. I mean, with all those degrees and achievements in the medical sciences, who can blame him?
3. “I’ve made over 10 billion dollars.” -Trump
Nope. Most independent estimates actually put him around 3 billion. The life sized talking troll doll’s business career wasn’t successful by any standards either. A report from the Washington Post estimates that if he had actually just invested his daddy’s money in an index fund based on the S&P 500, his net worth would have been double what it is today.
4. “I will take care of women, I respect women. I will take care of women.”-Trump
Good one! Here’s your respect: “You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. But she’s got to be young and beautiful.” And here’s your care: “You’re disgusting” (directed towards his female lawyer who wished to take a break from a deposition in order to pump breast milk).
5. “I am a very militaristic person… My temperament is very good.. very calm.”-Trump
Wow. I think what happened here was that Little Donnie T. tried to use big words he didn’t actually understand in order to sound smart and just ended up blatantly contradicting himself.
6. “Everything I’ve done, virtually, has been a success.”-Trump
This statement is almost as factually inaccurate as his nonexistent natural hair. Here’s a list of some of the things he’s done that haven’t been successful: Trump Airlines,Trump Vodka, the Bankruptcies, the Marriages, Trump Mortgage, Trump: The Game, the China Connection, and Trump Casinos.
7. “We have a country where to assimilate you have to speak English. We have to have assimilation. This is a country where we speak English here, not Spanish.”-Trump
By that logic, we would all still be speaking Navajo and Cherokee.
8. “I won’t apologize because I said nothing wrong.”-Trump (in response to being called out for saying that Bush has a “soft spot” towards Mexicans because his wife is Mexican).
I think what frightens me most about this is that this talking troll doll seems to believe that having and expressing empathy towards Mexicans is a bad thing.
LINDSEY GRAHAM (Graham Cracker)
9. “We’re cutting our military; we’re on track to have the smallest Army since 1940, the smallest Navy since 1915, and John Kasich says he wants to close more bases.”-Graham
We have a smaller Navy now than we did before is because naval warfare is becoming increasingly obsolete. The U.S. military has always been expanding in size and is projected to increase in size in the future as well. The amount we spend on our military every year is around the amount everyone else in the world spends combined.
JOHN KASICH (The conservative Mother Teresa)
10. “I don’t know a single person who doesn’t want to defund Planned Parenthood.”
Can’t think of a single person? How about 60 percent of the American public?
BOBBY JINDAL (Piyush)
11. “I am glad police are careful and worried about security issues. But right now the biggest discrimination going on is against Christians… They are throwing this woman in jail in Kentucky. Let’s talk about that.”-Jindal
I actually respect Jindal here. He is standing up for his own kind: bigots. The reason why that is such an utterly insane statement is because the U.S. is 80% Christian. Christianity is and has been the dominant religion in every aspect of government. Christians have controlled this nation since its inception. The fact that other religions and points of view have to be recognized seems to be a problem for him. Not everyone has to appear in a Christmas play, Piyush.
12. “Why don’t the liberals all make a list of all the jobs Christians can’t be if they can’t be clerks or bakers or pizza shop owners?”-Jindal
What an utterly stupid thing to say. If your faith interferes with your ability to do your job, especially if it is a government job, then you must give up one or the other. If someone’s bigotry disguised as faith interferences with their line of work, it is probably for the best anyway.
JEB BUSH (Another Bush)
13. “As it relates to my brother. The one thing I know for sure is that he kept us safe.”-Bush
Really? Kept us safe fighting a war that was based of off fictitious weapons of mass destruction that resulted in the deaths of around 4,500 young soldiers and created the conditions under which ISIS rose to power?
CARLY FIORINA (The woman who laid off 30,000 people)
14. “The democrats do not wish for the issue of illegal immigration to be solved. They want it to remain an issue.”-Fiorina
I doubt anyone likes spending $20 billion dollars every year on dealing with illegal immigration. That’s why liberals like Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have supported policies that streamline the process by which illegal immigrants can become U.S. citizens. Conservatives, however, do not seem to be on board. On second thought, do you even want the issue of illegal immigration to be solved Carly?
15. “We can give the Egyptians what they have asked for, which is intelligence. We could give the Jordanians bombs and material.”-Fiorina
The Egyptian and Jordanian governments aren’t the best folks when it comes to human rights. Though they are our allies. Profit over people, right? Those 30,000 workers you fired must have been a pretty easy decision for you to make.
16. “Unlike Mrs. Clinton, I know that flying is an activity, not an accomplishment.”-Fiorina
Mrs. Fiorina, I would like to see a list of your political accomplishments. That’s right, you don’t have even one.
TED CRUZ (Ted Fearmonger Cruz)
17. “The single basic national security threat to America right now is the threat of Iran.”-Cruz
The single basic national security threat to American right now is actually the possibility of you becoming president.
18. “This deal will spend $100 billion, making the Obama administration the world’s leading financier of radical Islamic terrorism.”-Cruz
The Iran nuclear deal actually unfreezes assets that Iran already has in order to spur economic growth. Also, the leading financier of radical Islamic terrorism in the world was actually Ronald Reagan— you know, the guy you have looked up to and modeled your platform around? The Reagan administration directly funded and built up Al Qaeda in order to oppose Russia in Afghanistan.
MIKE HUCKABEE (Schmuckabee)
19. “If the court can make a decision and we just all surrender to it, we have judicial tyranny.”-Huckabee
Yeah, so that’s basically how the Constitution works…
20. “We made accommodation to the Fort Hood shooter to let him grow a beard. We made accommodations to the detainees at Gitmo. I have been to Gitmo and I have seen the accommodations that we have made to Muslim detainees who have killed Americans. You are telling me that you cannot make an accommodation for a county clerk from Kentucky? What else is it than the criminalization of her faith and the exaltation of the faith of everyone else who might be a Fort Hood shooter.”-Huckabee
Really? How can you even begin to compare the conditions Gitmo detainees were and are placed in comparison to Kim Davis? The detainees, many of whom were later deemed completely innocent, were found guilty without trial and brutally tortured. Kim Davis was arrested for knowingly and openly breaking the law. Your nonexistent argument would only hold true if she was given the same treatment and then prevented from practicing her religion in prison, as many Muslim inmates were.
21. “I’d want to know. Do you believe in the first amendment, Do you believe that religious liberty is the fundamental liberty around which all other freedoms in this country are based?”-Huckabee
Mr. Huckabee, I think you are forgetting a very crucial part of the first amendment– the entire second half, which involves the separation of church and state. Under that principle, Kim Davis’s acts are a violation of the law, because she let her religious beliefs affect her duty as an employee of the government.
22. “I think we are in fact the A team. We have some remarkable people. In fact, we have our own Mr. T who isn’t afraid to say to others ‘you’re a fool.’”-Huckabee
*cringes*
CHRIS CHRISTIE (Crispy Christie)
23. “She [Clinton] believes in the systematic murder of children in the womb to preserve their body parts in a way that maximizes their body parts for sale for profit.”-Christie
Woah.. slow down there, buddy. I think at most she believes that women should have the right to choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy in a legal and ethical way. Stop the fearmongering dude…not cool.
24. “We need to use drones to secure the border.”-Christie
Only if you think crossing the border without documentation should be punishable by death.
25. “Look at the way people move onto other drugs after marijuana, a gateway drug.”-Christie
There is about as much evidence proving that marijuana is a gateway drug as there is evidence proving alcohol and tobacco are gateway drugs.
MARCO RUBIO (Moreno)
26. “Every proposal they have put forward are going to be proposals that will be harder to do business in America. That will make it harder to create jobs in America. Single parents are already struggling across America to provide for their families.. We are not going to destroy our economy… in order to pursue policies that will do absolutely nothing to change our own climate or our own weather. Because America is a lot of things: the greatest country in the world absolutely, but America is not a planet. We are not even the largest carbon producer in the world, China is.”-Rubio
Everything said here is just completely and utterly factually incorrect. It has been proven that an environmentally conscious economic agenda actually results in more job creation through the exploration of cleaner energy options. And even from a selfish perspective, we in America are in fact affected by our own actions. We here in California are currently in a drought while Florida is experiencing a rise in sea level. Also, we are the largest per capita carbon producer in the world by an extremely large margin.
BEN CARSON (We need a doctor– oh wait)
27. “Trump is an intelligent man and will make a correct decision after given the facts.”-Carson
I think you just set yourself up for this one.
But there were a few moments of intelligence…
28. “This is what is wrong with this debate, we are not talking about real issues.”-Walker
29. “If I was sitting here watching this, I would turn it off.”-Kasich
30. “While I am as entertained as anyone about this personal back and forth about the history of Donald and Carley’s career, for the 55 year old construction worker in the audience tonight who doesn’t have a job and who can’t fund his child’s education, I gotta tell you the truth, they couldn’t care less about your careers, they care about theirs. Let’s start talking about that on this stage and stop playing the games.”-Christie
All photos of candidates that were used are public domain photos.
