I am not very kind to myself. 

I’ve put a lot of focus on being kind to others in recent years. I constantly check myself to make sure I’m not saying mean things when I’m around people, and I think it’s a good thing. I’ve never had much of a filter between my thoughts and what I end up saying, and I don’t want to make comments that upset people. I’ve always believed that kindness is the best thing we can offer the world. 

However, with all of this emphasis on how I treat the other people around me, I’ve stopped focusing on how I treat myself. I feel terrible about myself when I do badly on a test. I chastise myself for hours when I’m unproductive. Guilt consumes me whenever I eat unhealthy food. In short, I end up in a downward spiral of self-hatred whenever I’m unable to meet the unrealistic expectations I set for myself.

I think a lot of this stems from the fact that I’m a very goal-oriented person. I’ve always lived by the ideal that you can achieve anything you put your mind to, as long as you try your hardest. But as I’ve gotten older, and as I’ve set higher and higher expectations for myself, I’ve developed an almost paralyzing fear about my goals: What if I work my hardest and it isn’t enough? 

Honestly, I don’t think there is a good way to confront a fear like that. The reality is, there will be innumerable situations throughout my life where I am simply not going to be able to achieve what I want to. The reality is, I could try my hardest and even then, my best might not be enough. 

But honestly? That is utterly, totally, absolutely OK. 

It’s good to have goals. Goals drive me to push myself every day. I want to score well on my tests because I find good grades to be extremely rewarding. I want to be productive because there are a lot of things I want to do with my time, and I want to be able to get to all of them. I want to eat nutritious food because I believe that good eating habits set a precedent for a healthier lifestyle overall, which is something I hope to lead. The feeling I get when I achieve my goals is what has always driven me to dream big and work hard.

But just because I have goals doesn’t mean that I should self-destruct when I don’t meet them. So this month, I tried my best to be kind to myself. I didn’t adjust my goals or my expectations for myself; I firmly believe that aiming high has always pushed me to be my best self. But when I didn’t score as well as I’d hoped, when I ended up eating too many chips or when I watched “You” on Netflix instead of doing my homework, I did my best to not beat myself up over it.

My main takeaway is that it is extremely important to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, that means putting on a face mask and sometimes, it’s dancing to 2000s throwback songs in front of the bathroom mirror. But this month, I practiced self care by having the courage to accept that my best will not always be enough. There will be times when I study for two hours before a test and not get the grade I want. There will be days where I cannot seem to get any work done no matter how hard I try. And honestly, I’m probably going to be unable to resist eating unhealthy food more often than not. But even when I don’t fulfill my own expectations, I’m going to do my best to take a deep breath and be OK with myself anyway. 

After all, I’ve always believed that kindness is the best thing we can offer the world. I think that sometimes I just forget that applies to myself as well.