Written by Sebastian Zhang, with additional reporting by Kristin Chang

It’s Christmas Eve in 2014, and senior TJ Tarshis is at a family friend’s house along with his little brother, his older sister and his mom and her friends. After exchanging gifts as part of their annual secret Santa, he’s catching up with old friends and enjoying the Polish chocolate cake his mom made. They sing karaoke, and the night goes on. At 11 p.m., Tarshis and his family say their goodbyes and head back home. The next morning, they open presents, and then it’s time for him and his brother to go to their dad’s house.

It wasn’t always like this.

When his parents divorced while he was in the sixth grade, Tarshis spent that year’s Christmas separately with both parents. That would be the last time in about three years that Tarshis would see his dad because shortly after that, he decided to stay with only his mom. From mid-sixth through ninth grade, he completely avoided his dad, even during the holidays. But even with one parent missing, he still found a sense of closeness in the celebrations.

“It was alright because I still saw my family friends, who were basically family just because I’d known them since I moved here,” Tarshis said, “It was still a good Christmas — I never felt like I was missing out on that much.”

While Tarshis never saw his dad during these years, his younger brother regularly switched between both parents. He’d ask Tarshis and his sister to accompany him on his visits to their dad’s house, but he was too young to understand why they always refused to go. It was in the ninth grade that Tarshis decided he’d go see his dad on Christmas. Just him, his brother and his father. The first visit was tough.

“The relationship itself was still strained,” Tarshis said. “It’s hard to come back from being so apart and not wanting to see him at all, to trying to be normal again because there’s always going to be a little bit of baggage with that.”

“It’s hard to come back from being so apart and not wanting to see him at all, to trying to be normal again.”

Tarshis found it hard to make conversation with his dad under the awkward atmosphere. While Tarshis updated his mom with all his day to day occurrences, he had to retell his entire year to his dad in order to make up for those periods of separation.

“It was like seeing a relative that was not a very close one after a long time,” Tarshis said, “except it was your dad, which just makes it kind of strange.”

But going back was the right decision. Tarshis feels that despite the initial anxiety, the experience helped him gain comfort around his dad and was the first step in rebuilding their relationship. Since then, Tarshis has gotten along with his dad.

“I’ve been able to better forgive my dad and forget about some of the things,” Tarshis said. “We have a better understanding of each other as people now.”

Now that he’s older, Tarshis feels that he has found a voice.

“When the divorce first happened, I was going into sixth grade,” Tarshis said, “and that’s when you’re kind of getting all these ideas but you still are very much a kid and you feel like you can’t actually say that to your parents. But being older let me communicate my own feelings better, and that’s helped a lot.”

After those years of disorder, Tarshis has found intimate stability. Tarshis sees his dad regularly now. No more having to summarize the year. No more forced conversation. No more resentment or tension. Just the healthy celebration of family — holiday or not, divided or together. It’s the new normal.

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