The hype these days is The Phone. The iPhone 4, 5, 6, 7, whatever. However, considering the fact that they cost an arm and a leg, I do not see anyone lending me one to tinker with anytime soon.

So I opted for the iPod Touch — the wannabe iPhone. Let me take it one app at a time.

Cro-Mag

According to Apple, the line of “i” products is supposedly so easy to use that even a baby could use them.

iPod Touches are not grandma-friendly.

Easily 7/8 of the games do not have instructions. We are not told whether to shake the iPod Touch, to stroke the screen, to commence a voodoo ritual — nothing.

So when I selected to ride the Mammoth Mobile with the grunting cavegirl Grag in “Cro-Mag,” I always ended up in last place because I only went up and down a hill for the duration of the race. Only by asking the iPod Touch’s owner did I figure out that I was supposed to both touch the screen and turn the gadget to turn.

And they call this user-friendly design?

Tap Tap Revenge 2

Not only can the iPod Touch make you seem slow-witted, it can make you feel really just downright stupid.

In “Tap Tap Revenge 2,” I had a genius idea to tap the screen continuously so I would be ready to tap the colored balls. I was tapping, tapping, tapping, and I felt pretty good about myself. And then I saw the score.

-24,967. Ouch. I was deducted for my extraneous taps.

I think even my own grandma does better.

Cooking Mama

I will admit point blank that I have no clue how to cook. But thanks to “Cooking Mama,” I can at least be able to chop onions, sautée them and add ingredients.

I just cannot figure out how to knead dough, though. I shook the iPod Touch furiously to no avail. Cooking Mama rated my cooking as “Fail” and glared at me with red eyes of fury.

I had a feeling I would be seeing that face a lot more if I continued to play so I clicked the Home button. Talk about cyberbullying.

Blocked

My worst fear is that the line of Apple products will leave the populace with short attention spans and a one mph slow intellect. But never fear, “Blocked” is here to ensure that rationality and common sense prevail.

Playing it brought back fond memories of the other brain development games I have played. “Bloxorz,” “Brain challenge” — ah, good times.

Doodle Jump

It took me two days to figure out that I had to tilt the iPod Touch to jump and that I had to click the screen to send out snowballs (in snow mode), which have nothing to do with whether or not I reach my destination of the next snow laden stump above me.

And every time I completed a humiliating round of the game to fall to the icy depths below, the game mocked me with its ìSubmit your score to Facebookî button.

Do they really wish to defame grandmas like me who suck at “Doodle Jump”?

Final thoughts

Anyone know where to find a user manual?