“Finally, he’s gone so I can rant. He pisses me off so much. Why does he always do the same thing over and over again, holy s—.”
This phrase is commonly said in my friend group, usually accompanied by an intense eye roll and exasperated sigh seemingly heard by everyone except the guy in question. I listen and watch as the group eagerly gathers to hear the latest advancement of the ongoing feud between two of my friends, practically drooling over the drama they’re so addicted to. The subject of today’s rant was one friend neglecting a group project the two were collaborating on, but this was the second time the issue had escalated. Their prior half-baked attempt to resolve the dispute failed to uncover the root cause behind his neglect: his complicated family life, escalating the situation instead of mitigating it. The lack of a concrete understanding of each other’s feelings led to lingering resentment, which prompted another dispute between the two.
Teens, like the ones in my friend group, are particularly predisposed to harboring grudges, a consequence of emotional immaturity. We gain emotional intelligence — an individual’s ability to identify and respond to their and others’ emotions — through tackling complex situations. Emotional maturity only develops through adequate experience in various nuanced situations, such as ethical dilemmas or confrontations. However, emotional disputes are not as common in some relationships, so we must empathize with each other to make up for the minimal experience to be more emotionally mature.
Empathy is an important trait defined as the ability to understand others’ experiences and is directly proportional to emotional intelligence. Adolescents often lack both given the self-serving academic environment of high school. In an interview for the American Psychological Association, Indiana University Associate Professor Sara Konrath, PhD explains that she observed a decline in empathy as mental health issues became more prevalent amongst young adults. After extensive research, she concluded that burnout and intense pressure to succeed leaves teens without room for empathy, as they’re too focused on their futures.
It’s no secret that MVHS students also experience intense burnout, and our hyper fixation on academics and workaholic nature leaves no time for practicing empathy. We’ve become so focused on ourselves that we have little comprehension of others’ complex feelings, especially during conflicts. As a result, we tend to oversimplify these with assumptions, drawing conclusions before fully understanding the nuances of the situation. This makes it difficult to explain our own point of view and identify others, leading to a buildup of unresolved feelings that foster resentment and unhealthy relationships with others.
An MVHS community built on toxic relationships is not a community at all. Resentment makes it difficult to distinguish authenticity from fake friendships, promoting a sense of loneliness and isolation in lieu of camaraderie. Without community-wide efforts to understand the complex emotions of others, people in need of support can be discouraged from speaking up about their feelings.
To mitigate these effects, FUHSD implements district-wide advisories to teach students how to be emotionally mature, providing interactive hypotheticals for increased experience with tackling issues like these. Despite the district’s efforts, most students don’t respond well to these advisories due to the heavy disconnect between the content and students, and the fact that the lessons aren’t tied to a grade or credit. Rather than simply telling students what to do with a 30-minute video and lackluster activities, we need more immersive, conversational lessons with incentives to get students to think for themselves and fully engage in SEL content. This will provide them with hands-on experience dealing with complex emotions to apply during real-life scenarios.
Without an emotionally intelligent and empathetic student body, students lack a sense of belonging or a strong support system outside or within their closest friends. Therefore, we need to have the courage to be confrontational and take initiative to have awkward conversations about feelings in order to normalize them. By paying active attention to emotional reactions when disputing with peers, we can better protect the emotional well-being of the collective MVHS community.
The first step we must take is finding ways to understand our own feelings about a situation before taking action to solve it so that we can better communicate with others. We can set aside a designated time to reflect on an event, like implementing journaling into our daily routines or talking to a non-biased third party such as a trusted peer or therapist.
While communicating about our own feelings during mindful discussions, we need to remember to react rationally. It’s important to remain patient by temporarily pushing aside feelings of frustration to have a productive conversation. Practicing empathy by keeping an open mind about the other party’s feelings then allows us to work together to find solutions and come to a fulfilling resolution.
We need to remember that empathy is a vital trait when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships with others. Without understanding their perspectives, we cannot effectively tackle issues regarding their complex emotions, limiting our emotional maturity. By learning to be mindful of nuanced feelings, we can work towards a community where everyone knows their emotions are valid.
