Turn it off and grow a pair, ladies. You’re better than this.

Venusians, put your phones down for a second. We need to talk.

It started at the theater, a number of infatuated girls texting their boyfriends throughout a brilliant film. Then it appeared at coffee shops, at malls, at restaurants. Soon, I found myself constantly surrounded by attached-at-the-keyboard couples industriously typing away on their iPhones and EnVs with little regard to the world around them. There was no escape. It had to stop.

By nature, the average Venusian is prone to unrestrained excitement and impulse, jumping headfirst into a new craze at a moment’s notice. So it’s no surprise, then, that a new relationship would amplify this trait. Everyone’s met the gushy, overeager newly-officialized girlfriend, blinded by relationship tunnel vision, crippled by the throes of puppy love.

It’s all adorable until she starts texting. From there, the scene goes from sweet to saccharine in a heartbeat. It becomes painfully clear that a moment’s virtual separation from her beau du jour tears at her heartstrings and that she can’t go without contact for more than five minutes. It’ll be rather embarrassing for her, should she look back once her rose-tinted glasses come off.

So what’s a sensible Venusian to do?

Nothing. Until our romantically engaged Venusian counterparts come back to their senses, all we can do is admire their word-per-minute count and lament the fall of feminine independence.