“#notallmen but all women”

The insurgence of social media movements that empower women has often been met with the rival hashtag #notallmen, which serves as a bastion for individuals who believe that using the world “men” interchangeably with “rapists” serves to attack all men rather than spread awareness about the issues like sexual harassment or assault. D, who is an advocate for the hashtag, explains how seeing “men” used as a blanket term to describe individuals who harass, assault or rape women deters him from advocacy.

“It is mostly men, but a bigger statistic is that most men aren’t rapists,” D said. “I’m saying, ‘97% of rapists are men, but most of the men are not rapists in the world.’ If I’m scrolling through Instagram one day and I see a story about rape and I’m like, ‘Sh*t rape’s f-cked up, this is bad, this shouldn’t be happening in the world,’ but then I just keep scrolling down and keep reading it and then I see another something that says, ‘Men are so f-cked up, men are so like messed up, I’m so scared of men,’ I see that and then — I’m a man. I’m not a rapist, I’m a man and I feel like, obviously, even though their intention is not to attack me, I still feel attacked, and I don’t want to repost that story anymore and spread awareness with that person’s story because it’s like attacking all men in a way. ‘Men’ is a plural word — it’s not ‘man,’ it’s not a person’s name, it’s not someone specific. ‘Men’ is large, it’s a very large thing.”

Xu, however, believes that using #notallmen serves more as an avenue for men to disassociate from issues women are expressing and not confront the issue since they are not perpetrators of it themselves. 

“#Notallmen because we’re not saying ‘all men,’” Xu said. “The problem is that, as women, when we go outside and see a stranger, we cannot tell if you are supposedly ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ and we as women, we’re never going to take that chance. I’ve had male friends reach out to me, and acknowledge that and they told me, ‘Hey I realized that to a stranger on the street I may be seen as a threat, and that is a problem.’”

Similarly, Gupta believes that the hashtag undermines the value of women sharing their experiences and highlights a more significant issue of refocusing the spotlight on men’s qualms with a movement rather than illuminating those who are attempting to spread awareness. 

“When people say not all men their first thought is to defend themselves [when] women speak about their experiences,” Gupta said. “They try to make it about themselves at that point instead of actually thinking about what the woman or the person who was assaulted had to go through. That’s just a really selfish thing to say when somebody else went through something, and especially thinking that, ‘Oh, being accused of sexual assault or harassment is worse than actually being sexually assaulted.’”

D, however, persists in his belief that using “men” as a blanket term to describe all individuals who commit crimes of a sexual nature against women causes more harm than it does good. He explains that when he sees posts that encourage women to “keep their guard up” around men, he feels offended because women have “nothing to fear from him.” 

“Women feel like the men around them could be rapists, [but] men feel like the girls around them think that we are rapists, or could possibly be rapists — it’s a trust thing,” D said. “Obviously, if we just get rid of rape, none of this would be a problem. It’s not as serious as women speaking out and using their voice, but it’s still something. Certain people [are] saying, ‘Men don’t speak out, men don’t show awareness,’ and, it’s because of what I’m saying. It’s not that we think that you’re wrong. It’s not like we don’t want to support you. If people didn’t use the term ‘men,’ a lot more men would support it.” 

Mahajan explains that the movement is not categorizing anyone or attempting to individualize men, but is instead trying to raise awareness on the issues women have to face in their daily lives. She emphasizes the importance of reflecting on why men who feel compelled to use the hashtag get defensive in the first place. 

 

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“At its core, yes, not all men are rapists,” Mahajan said. “Not all men sexually assault people. But if you are [supporting #notallmen], I feel like you need to be reconsidering why you’re so defensive. If you know that it’s not all men, you should be able to have enough connection, self awareness [and] critical thinking to realize that, maybe you’re not [a] part of ‘all men.’ If you’re in the street in the middle of the night, and there’s a man walking across the street to you, are you really going to be like, ‘Huh, he might not be a part of all men,’ like no, I’m going to go to the other side of the street because it’s a scary big man who is probably going to overpower me if he actually was part of those men. I think it’s really important for people to realize that it’s not supposed to be a personal attack.”

D explains that the blanket term “men” can also cause men to feel as if they are not supported by the female community, which creates a barrier in terms of their involvement in the issue. 

“If you have support, you feel stronger, you tend to be more outgoing [and] women support each other,” D said. “Even though they are getting raped, and it’s a horrible thing, women support each other in this one topic, and they’re very loud, their voices, they’re very loud. And in the process, if they just said ‘rapists’ instead of ‘men,’ men would join them and help them more than they already do. Right now, people try their best, but I’m saying the man’s voice would also be loud.”

Dongre, in contrast, does believe that to a certain extent, issues around the prevalence of the threat of sexual harassment does actually encompass all men. He believes that all men have a responsibility to educate themselves about the issues that women face and acknowledge that they are a part of the problem because “all men receive the benefits of male privilege and the benefits of sexism in society.” He believes that men should “be able to use [their] privilege in a workplace, or a discussion or just in general spaces where people are sharing ideas, and open up ways for women to speak and share their ideas.”

Mahajan understands that for many men, getting involved with women’s issues is often accompanied by severe backlash from peers, which is why many refrain from doing so. She explains that traditional definitions of masculinity foster the belief that men are “not supposed to be super emotional” or spread awareness about issues like harassment and assault because “it makes them a p-ssy” and cause them to be “shunned by their friends,” which is why it is often easier to stay silent — a view echoed by Gupta.

“I was really scared posting about all this stuff because I would think my friends would say things to me about like, ‘Oh, you’re simp,’’” Gupta said, referring to a term used to describe men who are seen as “too attentive and submissive to women.” “That was my biggest fear and that’s what a lot of other guys fear is when posting about this stuff. That’s why I don’t see a lot of guys posting about it, because I think they’re just scared about what their friends think [over] anything else.”

Xu realizes how unresponsive and even destructive male friend groups can be concerning advocating for women’s issues. She emphasizes the importance of men having “uncomfortable” conversations with their predominantly male friend groups in order to destigmatize male support of issues that predominantly affect women. 

D also believes that men have a responsibility to spread awareness, but explains that when he feels ostracized, he is “demotivated’ to do so. He explains that men do care and that in his conversations with female friends, has attempted to express this sentiment and stress that, when women bring up people who harass or assault them, he is “not like that.” 

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“When you demotivate me, when you attack me, I tend to not want to support you anymore, even though I know I need to,” D said. “I’ll still support you but not with 100% energy, but when I see people say not all men, then I get a little energy. The women are inclusive of the men that are trying to help them. When [women] say, we have to protect ourselves from men, I feel like [they are] trying to protect [themselves] from me and [I] don’t feel like I’m a part of the movement.”

Overall, Mahajan feels frustrated that men are using #notallmen as an excuse not to associate with a movement that profoundly impacts the lives of so many women. She cites how men will often bring up the issue of women who falsely accuse men of harassment — an occurrence so infrequent that it bears no comparison to the magnitude of women who feel unsafe. 

“Although yes, it’s not all men, I think that that’s really not the biggest problem you could possibly have with this,” Mahajan said. “You still have the privilege and honestly, you can deal with being called ‘all men’ when everyone knows it’s not actually all men. You can deal with that for a little bit if everyone else has to deal with all this.”